I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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