Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Randomize
