My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize