One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
