I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
