I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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