Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
