i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
