How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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