I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
