You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
