I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
