I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
