I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
