you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize