Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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