Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
