Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
