I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
