I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize