My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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