he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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