im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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