hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
