"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
