I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
