It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
