i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
