Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I made him laugh his dick is mine
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
