if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
