yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
