Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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