I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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