Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
