I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
