Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
