it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
