Will you blow on my dice?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize