Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
