I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
