took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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