he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
