my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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