Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
they need to just BURY HIM!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
