its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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