Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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