sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
