I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize