I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
