well I can't set my house on fire every night
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
its not stalking. its research.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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