the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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