Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
