I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The uberlube is also flammable
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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