Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
