Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
