You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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