Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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