I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
