"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
