he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
