I'm going to jail i love you
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
