I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
